Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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