It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
