Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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