I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
