You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
