i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
