whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
