apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
