Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
