and you said cock pushups were impossible
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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