Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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