I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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