Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
