I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
