Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
