New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
