what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
