thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
