smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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