I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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