maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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