Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
