The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
