Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
