He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
