margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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