He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
