: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
