I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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