Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
