Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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