And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I will pee on everything he values.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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