Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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