my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
