Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
