My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
