my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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