I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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