You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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