Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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