Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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