Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
