my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
