What did we do last night that was yellow?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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