Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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