Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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