Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
