you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
