you have to choose: penises or morals?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
