Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
