I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
