im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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