Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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