I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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