if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
