I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
