please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
