i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
