mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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