I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
